Wednesday, January 17, 2018

Guilty With No Chance of Innocence: My Comments on the Aziz Ansari story

My apologies. It's been very difficult for me to do much of anything over the last year and this blog became the least of my worries. I missed it a lot but my own mental health alongside how busy I've been has prevented me from being able to come here and write like I love to. But, I'll update more on myself and how things are around here in a later post. There's something else weighing heavy on my mind right now. A few things actually.

One big one, as far as the rest of the world goes, is the Aziz Ansari scandal. When I first heard about this I didn't pay it much attention because I felt like it was just another accusation against another TV/Movie/Music star that I didn't want to trigger me in regards to my own past abuse and I just wasn't in the mood for. But this thing has really kind of blown up with the two sides - those who take his side vs. those who take hers - getting down right ugly. 

I've read a LOT of the articles from both sides and I'm linking to a few below should you wish to read anymore on your own. As a former private investigator with some profiling training and skills I picked up, I feel like this woman was a white woman who was formerly victimized or abused in her life, leading her to feel as if she didn't have the right to say no and it's likely she grew up in a strict Christian environment. I'm not talking the softer Christian denominations but something stern like Holiness or something similar.

In her own account of the story, It is blaring she has an altruistic nature and a deep need to be recognized and I think she saw Aziz as an ultimate target, not in the sense she was trying to scam him but that 'if I can get someone of that status, I can feel validated' sort of way. In her own account, she tried to talk to him and he ignored her and showed no interest but she kept pushing the issue until she got him to pay attention to her. (This was the camera incident when they first met and not the date that happened later.)

So the whole relationship started off with her being aggressive and pushy trying to get his attention. How would anyone interpret that? That is the first sign of her being interested in him and it couldn't all have been about a camera, otherwise when he didn't engage with her, she would not have kept pushing. BUT, I'm not saying she was a slut or all over him at this point. After all, a lot of us pardesi women get just as excited meeting other pardesi women in similar circumstances. I'm just pointing out, this was the starting point of the relationship - she showed Aziz she was confident, persistent and willing to pursue what she wanted.

I'm old enough to know it takes 2 to tango so I don't buy into her start of the date story where she was bothered by her wine glass and the wine bottle not being empty when he wanted to leave being the start of the problem. Something - that she didn't bother to tell - led up to that. So either the restaurant wasn't that good, someone was feeling physically uncomfortable or they were both getting horny because in her own story she moves from leaving dinner to being naked at his house.

How did we get to that point? It wasn't from the half-empty bottle of wine. No one was drunk yet since she didn't even finish her glass. What happened on the walk? Did they hold hands, were they touching each other erotically? She left that part out so whatever mood they had leaving the restaurant continued on the walk home (abt a 10 min walk) and up until the point she was naked and they were performing oral sex on each other. \

I won't recant all the details here but let's think about this. A strong-willed woman who was ignored but insisted on getting attention now can't seem to prevent her mouth from surrounding a penis of a man who - by her own accounts - was not forceful, did not engage in any rough sexual tactics, and who did not hold her down, push her or get aggressive with her in any way. Yes, he "moved" her hand to his penis several times and he "motioned" her to give him a blow job. Neither of these are forceful actions. During sex it's completely normal for one person to non-verbally show the other where they want to be touched and played with.

Another glaring issue I find with her story is that the incident occurred on September 25th and on the 26th she texted him and he apologized. At that point she felt uncomfortable with the encounter. Then  she felt violated - by her own words - AFTER she saw him win a Golden Globe award.

I can't imagine this woman never had a lover move her hand to a sexualized part of their body for gratification during foreplay or intercourse. I would venture to say she's sexually innocent enough though that she probably has never put a lovers hand on her own body. With the puritanical undertones to her story, she probably has some unrealistic ideals about how certain sex acts are reserved and/or dirty.

Don't get me wrong, I do feel bad for her. I know exactly how she feels as I too have been violated in these ways myself. But as I worked these out, I realized my own part in the issue and I feel like she needs to as well. There was no force or violence that prevented her from stopping or saying no or even walking out of Aziz's home. Nothing short of the conflicts within her own mind telling her she didn't know how to. That is not Aziz's fault and with the signals she told us in her own words that she was giving off, she could not have expected him to know or understand what she was feeling inside as that is not what she was portraying.

Her victimization did not come from Aziz directly, it came indirectly from whatever events happened to her in her life to lead her to believe or feel that she did not have the right to voice the word no in this situation, whatever situations led her to feel that she had to keep going for his pleasure. She wasn't victimized by Aziz, she was victimized by a puritanical and patriarchal mindset that permeates the US. She let herself feel powerless, Aziz did not make her feel that way.

I think there's also a very good chance this woman had little or no exposure to MENA, Indian, Pakistani and other similar cultures either. That didn't help this situation one bit as men in those regions do tend to be a bit more animalistic and sexually bold. It's not taboo or frowned upon to tell a consensual lover what gets you excited in those parts of the world or to directly ask a partner to perform sexual actions during consensual encounters. This can all too easily come off as sexual aggression but it's not meant to be that way.

So many people have labeled Aziz Guilty based on just her story alone but that story proves his innocence. She told us she chose to stay, she kept engaging in sexual activity, she went along with everything he asked her to and he didn't force her to do any of it. Coercion doesn't even play into this. The very definition of coercion is "the practice of persuading someone to do something by using force or threats." By her own statement there was no force and no threats. 

What are your thoughts, I'd love to hear from you?

Babe: I went on a date with Aziz Ansari......
HLN Host slams Aziz Ansari's accuser.....
The Humilation of Aziz Ansari 
The Aziz Ansari story is a mess.....


  1. very informative post for me as I am always looking for new content that can help me and my knowledge grow better.

  2. The whole thing sounds fishy to me.

    My advice to Aziz: You're famous now (or infamous?) so you'd better be VERY careful whom you associate with at ALL levels - you have a lot to lose. If you haven't lost it already.

    My advice to "Grace": Honey, if you aren't emotionally mature enough to say "NO" or leave a situation where you feel uncomfortable - then don't date nor pursue a relationship yet.

    1. I agree! He needs to be more careful of women like her who he rejected and she kept coming at him. Her motives were likely not innocent in any way. She knew who he was. He could have been a target and this whole thing a plot all along. We may never know.