Sunday, January 1, 2017

Not A Resolution In Sight

I'm in an odd place. I have been for quite some time now. I have reached a state of mixed depression and consciousness in which I no longer feel much of anything. I am lost. There is nothing here to build on right now.

I have no motivation to participate in my own cultural activities nor adopt any of my husbands culture. I haven't celebrated birthdays, most holidays nor have I participated in the rituals most Americans go through for the seasons over the last 4 long years. I don't even engage in things I used to like to do very much and when I do, I'm more numb than happy.

It's not that I don't try to do things. I've found a level of consciousness where those things don't mean anything to me right now coupled with the depression from the hardships that I've had to deal with fo far too long. Most people experience stress or trauma in small doses, I've had years of continued trauma and unwarranted abuse coming from my ex.

I've started blogs, I've tried to write in journals but I always hit a point where it seems like I just can't write the next chapter. There's a block in my mind where I avoid it, I can't post it, etc. The abuse I suffered during the marriage still continues to this day and it's a maddening road between knowing you're strong enough to kick his ass now and knowing you have to be the bigger person to protect your children from having to witness it.

So where do I go from here? Nowhere. I have things I'm going to do this year to improve myself but they are not resolutions. I have to work on my health because things are reaching a critical state right now. I've no interest in labeling these things resolutions because those fail, they get left behind. I'm not interested in that.

Four long years now I've been in the caretaker roll and I've let myself fall apart. The last 18 months having completely damaged my own heart, mind and body as I tried to console my daughter who was unable to process all she was going through. I'm not blaming her, don't take that wrong. There were a lot of reasons I couldn't take care of myself the way I needed to. They don't matter as much as we are here now.

So to avoid any level of accountability should I not get to my 2017 to do list, I'm not posting about these things I have lined up until I do them. I'm not putting a date or a time frame on them. I'm not giving them any power in my life or future at this time.

The one thing I will give a face to is my determination to not absorb myself completely in reality escaping vices. I've shut off most of my games, especially those that entice you to stay there 24/7 in order to advance. I don't worry about going back to them because I've grown weary of hiding in them. I've completely stopped drinking caffeinated sodas - it's been 10 months or more since my last one and I have no interest in having one. I've also started telling people when I need a break. I don't just zone out and let their visits continue to linger or them to drop in when I don't want guests.

I've already began making changes out of necessity just to survive so there's really no need for the resolutions now anyway. Life is bigger than  few words on a piece of paper that will get lost in the shuffle next week.

So with that, I leave you with a funny parody about New Years Resolutions. Here's to hoping 2017 ill be the first year that I haven't had some sort of catastrophe since 2008.


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