Sunday, June 7, 2015

The Start of a New Life....Sorta

Imagine you've just gotten done with a really intense workout. You pushed yourself. There were points you didn't think you were going to make it but your determination wouldn't let you give up. Then you make it through the work out and you get that intense satisfaction of knowing you fought hard and won. You feel good. You feel accomplished. You feel uniquely satisfied in a way that's hard to explain.

That's how I feel right now. Only, instead of a work out it's been a 3 year long proverbial war. I had many times I wasn't sure I was going to have the strength to hold myself up. I remember the beginning most of all, the sheer horror and disbelief of the whole situation. The first few months were the hardest. That was the summer of 2012 and I have come a long way since then.

Last month it all culminated in a major victory after one final dark hour. I've testified in court before but nothing had prepared me for the intensity of awaiting my turn to testify in federal court - a case that was my own. People always tell you that if you haven't done anything wrong you have nothing to fear but that's not true when you're an abuse survivor.

Now the biggest obstacle has been overcome. All that is left now is paperwork and probation.A huge chapter of my life is finally closing.

This hasn't been the only major change in my life right now. I have virtually quit my second job. I have one job, working an 8 hour shift like a normal person finally. I feel optimistic for the first time in a long time about my life in general. All of the things I've wanted to do but couldn't find time for are finally going to be possible.

I will get to sleep like a normal person should. I will have time to get up in the mornings and get myself together before heading out to work. I will be able to make time for things like cooking and cleaning and exercise which I couldn't do before. I'll have time to watch movies and just relax. I'll have time to keep up with my health better. My stress level has already dropped significantly.

I don't remember the last time I felt this way. There is a sense of peace in my heart and mind.

I'm opening a whole new chapter of my life now. It feels like the life I always wanted but never had. It just feels good. Today I think I have a whole new meaning for how it feels to be a survivor.

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