Tuesday, April 14, 2015

Feeling Lost and Unsorted

I've been through quite a bit and it has left me war-torn. When things first blew up back in 2012 I freaked out. I panicked. I was in a massive state of shock. Then the adrenaline kicked in and I picked up a fierce momentum. I had no choice.

As the battles drug on I kept up with my determination but I also began to have some feelings of hopelessness. A part of me knows that this drama has not yet ended. I'm not certain it ever will. As chilling as it may sound, my ex said repeatedly that one of us would have to die for the relationship to end. He's tried to kill me  three times and in 2012 he made a legitimate threat to put a hit out on my life. Legitimate meaning he has the connections to do so.

It took 16 months to get to the first major resolution. Then my determination didn't need to be so strong. But the war was far from over. He began calling the cops and making false reports against me and my family. Enough reports that the local police stopped taking his calls. That's when he began falsifying evidence!! He tried to have my family members locked up - too bad there's this little thing called forensics that tied the evidence directly to him and his new wife.

20 months into the war is when the IRS got involved. They notified me of fraudulent activity using my social security number. I tracked down where the activity occurred, ordered records and proof then contacted the police in 3 states. Because my social security number had been used for fraudulent activity on federal property, they directed me to the FBI. The FBI then directed me to the Secret Service. The Secret Service then connected me with Naval Criminal Investigative Services (NCIS).

NCIS was fantastic. They restored my faith in so many things about America and our justice system (which is inherently flawed - I'm not clueless to that). NCIS brought in forensic handwriting experts, subpoenaed bank records and royally kicked my ex's ass for well over a year. :D

I can't even begin to express how amazing it felt to finally have someone on my side. For 8 long years I tried to reach out for help as I was continually being attacked to no avail. This time was so much different. The federal prosecutor assigned to my case called me and gave me updates on a regular basis. He worked with me better than my private sector lawyer ever did - and I never paid the federal prosecutor a single penny!!

And through that part of the process I found a tremendous amount of peace. My tormenter was finally locked up. Someone was finally making sure he couldn't come after me. That was until I found out he was only confined to his barracks and had found a way to get out. He had flown across the country a few times and wound up getting arrested in another state. Then all of my peace was gone.

Words can't describe how dangerous this man is. I've yet to be able to voice all of the things that he did to me. The words he said still come to the forefront of my thoughts far more than I want them to. All of the random comments about things he would do and how he would kill me just won't go away. I still panic a little when the doorbell rings. I still have fear every single time I leave the comfort of my home or the security of my office to walk to my car.

Right now I'm at a point that I'm not sure if I will ever feel truly safe again. Don't get me wrong, I'm not skittish or paranoid. I just always have to bear the burden of feeling as if he's out there somewhere waiting to try and kill me again. I fear when certain vehicles are heading my way because I know who he said he would send to kill me. This is my silent pain.

My victory through the courts has been bittersweet. It feels so good to have this burden off of my heart but now I know, it won't be long until he is again free to start a new reign of terror. I may now have official documentation but that won't protect me from much. It will only help build my next case against him in the courts. I still won't know when he will decide to pop up and knock on my door. I won't know what antics he may try next. And I still have to keep living my life as if the fear is not there. That's what the life of a survivor looks like.

That's why I'm feeling so unsorted. I'm struggling to try and maintain a normal life in the midst of all of this. On the surface a lot seems normal right now. I have a good job that I'm excelling at. I have a brand new car. I get to spend time with my family more than I used to. But inside I'm struggling. Some days I feel like I'm doing too much. Others, not enough. I know I can't do it all, but I feel like I have to. I feel a bit broken down and I know I don't have a lot left in me at the moment.

Regardless of your religious affiliation. I could use some good vibes, prayers, etc. right now. They are greatly appreciated. 


  1. Lots of (((hugs))) and prayers and warm wishes your way. Just reading your post made me feel very worried and scared. I can only imagine how you are feeling. Always be vigilant and watchful, get a licensed gun and always have it with you. With an ex like this, you never know when you have to use it. Make sure you don't go to remote areas. Be brave, sending lots of good wishes your way..

    1. Thank you. It is indeed scary. I've been taking self defense classes and such as well. It would just be nice to have an end to this ongoing nightmare.