Wednesday, January 7, 2015

Insecurity and Demons of the Past - Day 2 of the Chakra Challenge

I've been holding true to The Chakra Challenge this week. I've meditated on what would make me feel more secure and it's brought about some unexpected results. While I've been reflecting, I've made it a point not to get onto the computer, though that was actually difficult. I type as fast as I think, so writing things down on paper - which is much slower - proved to be a challenge for me. The following is what I wrote earlier this morning.

I'm really struggling to try and deal with this "feeling secure" meditation. It's brought to the forefront of my mind the terror that is still inside. I fear for my life on a regular basis.

I try very hard to keep living and not to let the past keep creeping in but it does. Every time I walk out of my house alone, I fear he could be out there.

It's a challenge to leave the house alone. I hesitate and my heart beat quickens. I hurry to my car and quickly lock myself inside. Even if I drive a different car I have the underlying fear that he has found me or is following me.

Early this morning I woke up in fear from another nightmare. I was paralyzed in my bed listening for any sound that would indicate it wasn't merely a dream.

Each time I have it, the nightmare theme is the same. He has somehow gained access to my current home and stealthily makes his way to my bedside. I awake to him hovering over me and I narrowly escape before he pulls the trigger.

I wake up sweaty and panicked. After a few minutes, I become aware of my surroundings and the quiet still of the home. While this comforts me some, I remain a bit unnerved.

The nightmare lingers. I still have an impending sense that he may be outside of my door waiting for me. This terror is very real to me.

The only time I feel secure is when I know he is contained somewhere and can't get to me. I only feel safe when I know he does not have the ability to come here.

I had a very brief time of peace beginning last February when he got confined by the military. Unfortunately that didn't last long enough. By September they warned me he had been able to sneak off base multiple times, once he managed to fly across the country and beat up his second wife.. The military had been afraid it was me - enough so to call me to find out if it was or not.

That was the end of my peace and security.

During my meditation on day 1 I avoided writing down that I would feel secure if my ex was no longer a threat but the thought was there. It doesn't seem to matter that I have been trained to protect myself, I don't feel capable of actually doing it. I don't feel secure in the ideal that if he comes after me, I would be able to exercise the self-defense tactics I have learned to stop him.

That's a huge problem in my life that I need to work on. I can't practice self-defense. It's not in my nature or legal to go around beating people up and striking lethal blows. I lack the confidence that if he was to attack me again that I could save myself or anyone else.

How can I deal with this? I can't feel secure until he's no longer a threat and yet I can't protect myself.......

3 comments:

  1. I always thought Kundanlani awakening involves some heavy duty meditation. Kundalani refers to a coil more like a coiled snake. I have seen a few yourtube videos where some Christians equated this coiled snake like dormant energy to the snake that misguided Adam in the Garden of Eden. Some questioned the very basis of meditation stating that it is not spiritual but merely mind manipulation and declared it a devilish practice. Some had objections that the yoga chanting and positions actually propagate Hinduism. Never knew yoga was so sinister. It is actually very interesting to hear their views.

    Apple

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  2. I've never heard of the coiled snake thing but that doesn't surprise me. There are certain sects of Protestant Christianity that believe most everything is from the devil (or evil). I think a lot of this comes from the fear of the unknown and the desire to be in control of the masses. Hence if you tell them they have to believe one certain way and everything else is wrong, you maintain a high level of control over those who believe you. I don't associate my yoga with Hinduism at all. My mother practiced yoga in her youth and she's a fairly devout Christian. Those who take the time will easily realize the majority of the sounds made in chanting are more about healing our bodies than worshiping a god/God. I've been learning a lot about sound and frequency over the last year. It's quite amazing the things I've seen manifest within myself as a result of sound therapies.

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  3. Happy Lohri to you and famiy.

    I have read a beautiful theory on how the concept of god came into existence. Ever since man came to earth he was trying to make sense of what is happening around him. Why is the sky blue? Where do sun and stars come from ?? etc. Then he decided that there is supreme power controlling everything. He called it God. Now, this God was formless and without attributes, more like an abstract entity. How to make connect with such an abstract entity.

    He then started putting human attributes to this concept, merciful, powerful etc. As man envisaged god as his parent, he gave those qualities to it which are expected in a good parent. Thus, the concept of god started becoming more clear and relatable. Rituals, prayers and other methodology are part of this process.

    Seems very plausible to me. Thus, the concept of god came into existence.

    Apple

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