Wednesday, November 20, 2013

I Completely Shut Down

I started this blog to help others who may find themselves in a similar position to me. There were other blogs around but I hadn't really discovered them yet. I had to find my way on my own for the most part and I had no idea what I had gotten myself into. Looking back now, I'm thankful for the things I wrote here, the comments I received and the ability to go back and read the posts and know how I felt then.

My relationship started purely out of love and a genuine interest in growing together as a couple. Outside of my relationship, my life was falling apart. I shared a lot of that here, not knowing how volatile this community could be at times. So my public pain because the source of many jokes and I took the posts down.

As part of my reflection on my relationship so far, I've re-read those old posts. As much as I could anyway. Looking at them has helped me to see just how much things have changed in my life over the years.

I started this relationship while I was in the process of ending the last one. I know many people will think that was too soon and I needed time to heal but the only reason that relationship hadn't ended legally was because of the safety issues and timing that is tedious when leaving an abusive relationship. Emotionally the relationship had ended years before. I hadn't lived with my ex for years.

My family and many friends weren't supportive. Many of them were die hard Christians who believed all instances of divorce were wrong and thus, I had become an outcast. Some believed intercultural marriages were against the bible and again, they ostracized me for it. I was under constant attack from my narcissistic ex who couldn't handle the lack of control he now had over me. That first year after my divorce quickly became a nightmare and I cracked under the pressure.

I learned a lot of hard lessons that year. I found a strength I didn't know I had. I had to walk away from everything, whether I wanted to or not. The forces fighting against me were more than I could fight on my own. I had no support, no one to turn to and I was constantly being kicked while I was down. I lost friends, I lost family and I lost my faith in all I had ever been taught in life.

My complete breaking point was when I had a very mild heart attack.The doctors told me that if things didn't drastically change immediately I would not live to see 33. That was the night I decided that I had to leave it all behind. I felt trapped as if I had no other choice to make. I had to shut down the life I currently had and start from scratch. I had learned my limits and working 3 jobs, constantly fighting with my family and just to survive all I was going through had taken more of a toll on me than I ever would have imagined.

Looking back, I can now say that this was a good thing. This single year of torture shaped who I have become today. It changed my way of looking at life, my way of addressing the things that come to me. It changed my perspective on many things.

Since then I my family relationships have changed. I've stopped pushing my own limits. I've learned when to hold them, learned when to fold up, learned when to walk away, learned when to run! (Just like the song. :P) Most importantly, I learned that I alone am responsible for my life - both past and present.

6 comments:

  1. Hi American Punjaban,

    It's very sad to hear about you.

    Are you single right now? I was little bit confused and don't mistaken me. If that so say yourself "ALL IS WELL AND EVERYTHING IS FOR GOOD". Whatever happens life has to go on.There's always something waiting for you. So don't give up.

    Finally best of luck for your future and Take care of your health.

    By,
    Well wisher, Brother and friend (from India)

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  2. I'm sorry, I didn't mean to be confusing. I've been doing a lot of reflecting back on my life and that's what I'm writing about lately. The narcissist I referred to in the post is my abusive ex, not my Indian husband. I'm not single and things are going okay over here. I'm mostly trying to reflect on who I was, who I've become and how I got here so I can better understand myself, my choices, etc. and evaluate where I am now and what changes I may need/want to make so I can continue to become the person I want to be.

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  3. Well, an abusive ex spouse is usually what it takes to throw you off relationships.
    And unfortunately it usually takes something horrible to get us to realize something's gotta change.

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  4. Dear American Punjaban,

    I'm happy that you're in a true relationship right now. Of course there'll be always ups and down in life but the thing is we should work it on everyday. If you got encouragement & support from your husband then it'll be easy to overcome any obstacles in life. Let convey my wishes and following message to your lovely husband,
    "NEVER EVER DISAPPOINT HER AND STAND UP FOR HER WHEN THERE'S A NEED AND SUPPORT HER TILL YOUR LAST BREATH" and the same for you dear Am..Pun...
    I'll pray to god for you & your hubby to live a healthy and happy married life.



    TC,
    Bye.

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  5. Dear American Punjaban,

    Life will have ups and down always like a tide. If you got the support and encouragement from your husband then no need to worry about anything. Any way just convey the following message to your hubby,

    NEVER EVER DISAPPOINT HER AND STAND UP FOR HER IF THERE'S A NEED AND SUPPORT HER TILL YOUR LAST BREATH. WORK OUT ON EVERY ISSUES BUT DON'T GIVE UP. Same thing for you dear A..P...

    I'll pray to god to have a healthy and happy married life.

    TC

    By,
    Well wisher, Brother and friend (from India)

    ReplyDelete
  6. Yep, it does. I'm glad I got through it and I'm also thankful I was able to get out the way I did.

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