Monday, August 5, 2013

Will You and Your Indian Love Last? 9 Questions to Ask Yourself Before You Take it to the Next Level

There are many things that can make or break your relationship. Guys, replace the word "his" below with "her" as the principles are the same regardless of gender.

  1. Do you have things in common? It's important to both have things in common and have differences. For your own mental well being, you need to have something you like to do that doesn't involve him and a time and means to do it. He should be supportive of this as well. You need time to renew your energy, spirit, commitment, soul. If that's with a good book at night right before bed or by having coffee over Facebook after everyone leaves the house, then so be it. No matter what your relaxation method is, you need to have it. And some of these methods need to include him. Maybe you get your alone time in the morning or in the car on your way to work and then you sit on the couch after putting the kids to bed at night and enjoy a movie wit him. Make sure you both include him and you in establishing relaxation techniques.
  2. How is his moral character? There are many different moral codes in existence. The Hindu moral code is different from the Christian code, the Muslim code, the Jain code, the Sikh code, the Indian code, etc. Find out what he feels is moral and what is not and take time to think on each of these things. Do you agree or disagree? Would they be relationship breakers?
  3. How does he communicate? Verbally only? If so, does he articulate well? Is his vocabulary vast enough to portray what he means in your native language (or do you know his well enough to interpret if he speaks in his native language)? Does he use touch to communicate? Does he talk with his hands? How do you feel about each of these things? Can you adjust? Not all of us can relate to a strictly verbal person and we need body language and touch as forms of interaction. 
  4. When he communicates, does he do it in a manner that you respond well to? Think of the words he uses, are they more negative or positive? Does some of the phrases he uses make you cringe or anger you? Is this something you can work through? 
  5. How often will you say 'I love you' and how? Some people don't want to say this phrase every day and prefer to show their love in other ways. In many Indian families love is shown via service to each other, or the fulfillment of duties in the relationship. If this is something you need to hear and he prefers to shower you with gifts or affection instead, how long can you really make the relationship last?
  6. Does he see you as a partner and what are his expectations of you in the relationship? There are still Indian men who see women as only homemakers and breeders. Is that the image you want him to have of you? How will he value you after marriage? Is that an agreeable image to you? Once upon a time I wanted to be a housewife, turns out it's not all it's cracked up to be. Many Indian men (at least the one's I've met) tend to appreciate the things their wives do for them and openly state that they do. What will you be doing after marriage? Is it something he can value and appreciate? Will you value and appreciate it?
  7. Will you have a say in decisions after you are married? Will you be included in discussions on whether or not he should take a job in a new city? Will he value your need to be close to (or far from) family? This isn't necessarily wrong or right, it's about what you can and can't live with forever. Some people are perfectly happy accepting whatever they are given, others are not and need to be involved in the process. Some women like domineering men and that's fine too. Just be sure you're not blinded by love/lust and agree to these things when you know you can't live like that for 30-50 years.
  8. How are his manners? Does it bother you that he eats with his hands? Does he feel comfortable using a fork and spoon in settings where hands are not acceptable? Think about how you're going to feel the first time you take him out to eat at an Indian restaurant in your home country. He wants to eat with his hands because that's how he enjoys the food and he is skilled in doing so. But then someone stares at him. Are you uncomfortable? How do you handle this? Think about it now, it's not a big deal but you have to be ready to face things like this.
  9. Does he listen to you? I mean really listen. As in you talk, he hears you and understands what you mean. Does he do this consistently? Communication is the most critical aspect of marriage. If he can't be bothered to pay attention to you more than 50% of the time this will cause considerable frustration within the marriage. It will cause you not to feel valued and lead to animosity between the two of you. Is that how you want to live?

3 comments:

  1. Great post. I agree. One thing that was on the Authentic Journey site (or fb?) was true - those ethics change. For example after 9 years together and 6 married we moved to India. My husbands moral/ethical code seems to have changed. I am having issues with that right now. Are the true ones coming out (he had been in the US a decade already when we met) or is he changing? I don't know.

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  2. Great article! Loved it, very important points.
    #5 is a good one due to the lack of PDA in India. #6 is a really important one too, and especially after children one needs to ask this question too.

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  3. Thank you. I used to sneak attack my hubby while out in public. He would squirm and give me the evil eye hahahaha. I loved it! Does that make me evil. :P

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