Monday, August 29, 2011

Why I Will Never Be on Master Chef

Be forewarned, this post may turn your stomach. It's not for the weak willed lol. And it's long because I'm bored lol.

I love cooking. It's one of my all time favorite things to do. I can take ingredients and come up with the most random dishes that almost always go over really well. Hubby's a pain in the neck sometimes with 'it could be better if...' but I don't let him deter me lol. Anyway, work has been slow this month so I've been watching way too much TV and since we have Tata Sky I get a lot of English channels.

I've been watching a lot of cooking shows like Master Chef Australia, Top Chef Masters and Twist of Tastes with Vineet Bhatia to name a few. I get lots of good tips from those shows on all kinds of food. Those little tips you pick up from these shows can make a huge difference in the way some of your foods turn out in the kitchen. They give your food that extra something that most home cooked foods miss (which is why we eat out too often lol). Learning all these new flavor combinations keeps me from getting bored with the food too. I'm so limited on what I can/will eat still so I need all the help I can get lol.

I've also, much to my detriment, watched shows like Bizarre Foods with Andrew Zimmerman. Omg...I don't recommend it unless you have a strong stomach. There is no limit to the horrific things that man will put in his mouth. I admire that he's not scared of the diseases, health risks and all that comes with eating such grotesque things, but I know there is no way I could do it. The other day he was eating iguana eggs and talking about how you had to suck the insides out of the soft shell and then not eat the shell. He also had cheese with live maggots crawling in it. It was all I could do not to barf. He even conned some other diners nearby into trying it by concealing the maggots and sharing with them. They said it was good.

I don't care how good it is, you will never convince me to eat maggots and I don't take food from strangers, especially not if I know it's going to be on TV. Shows like Punk'd and America's Funniest Home Videos come to mind before some esteem culinary show would lol. In addition to gross food, I also have an aversion to looking like an idiot in front of ppl. ;)

Master Chef isn't a lot better. They like to try and trip up their chefs and throw new things at them to see how they perform. Yesterday they had octopus and some meat I've never even heard of - squab? What the hell is that? So now I realize, though I used to dream of being a famous chef, I will never achieve international status lol. And now I don't think I want to.

I had a friend that went to cooking school and she had to taste things and cook things I would never touch and that deterred me from that. Still, I thought maybe I could go to a specialty school or become famous on my own. Now watching this I think to be a truly excellent chef you must taste many flavors so you know how to incorporate those unique flavors that make a chef world renowned. I also know for a fact that will never happen for me.

I have seriously high standards when it comes to food and food handling. This has been a big part of my problem here in India. I won't eat food cooked by someone I know doesn't wash their hands (or the food). I won't eat anything that I don't know what it is and I'm not into trying grotesque delicacies. So I will never eat Escargo (snails), or bulls balls, or lizard eggs, or stuff like that. I'm not going to eat any part of an animal that is deemed or thought of as dirty.

To further complicate my dilemma, I don't eat a lot of foods most people love or consider common. I used to eat some of them but then I learned some things that turned me against them. (Yes...ignorance can be bliss lol.) For example, I don't eat shrimp, crabs or lobster because in my eyes they are the cockroaches of the ocean. They crawl around eating whatever is dead, rotten or leftover on the bottom of the ocean floor. The best way to catch a crab is with raw chicken you left on your front lawn in the hot sun for a week or more. The more rotten, the more crabs you can catch. And we all have heard "You are what you eat." I for one, will not be the rotten trash from the bottom of the ocean floor. Especially since I know ppl and fish use the bathroom in the ocean (and not to mention what planes and cruise ships dump there, etc.).

I don't care if it's considered a delicacy. I will never put the tongue, hoof, genitalia, stomach lining, eyes, brain or entrails of any animal. If it wiggles, squiggles or moves while on my plate I'm not eating that either. I won't eat raw food, I don't care if it is better that way (ex. tuna) because raw=dangerous. I'm just not thrill seeking enough to risk my life over what could very well be my last meal. I've had food poisoning before and I can assure you it is NOT fun in any way. I have no desire to get it again. I could go on but I think the rest of my thoughts are pretty much universal. Most ppl won't eat dirty food, food that stinks, etc.

So peeps, I'm sorry but you will never get the chance to vote for me on Master Chef. Lol, not that you even thought about it before now. Until I find something that I can be famous for, I'll just keep watching and getting tips and I will remain a celebrity in my own kitchen, for my own family and for myself. To all of those ppl, I'm a superstar! Woopy!


  1. Food. Obe big problem for someone like me who is damn moody :’(

  2. Seeker of EquanimityDecember 26, 2011 at 11:17 PM

    nice reading this. I loved the cockroaches of the ocean term. Never had thought of it

  3. Hahahaha. :D

    Good to see you define both the extent and the limits of what your hobby means to you. :D
    Well written! 

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  4. Lol, I heard it once on a diet program and it's stuck with me. Really puts those expensive little bugs in perspective doesn't it?

  5. Thank You! Will read your post in just a few min.

  6. Hi! That was a cute post! Do you have your favorite Indian dish?

  7. I know, "cockroaches of the ocean"...I'm not sure I'll be eating crabs and prawn again!!

  8. Thanks! I'm not sure I could pick just one lol. I love food and exploring new dishes. I think if I have to choose though it would be Dum Aloo! I could eat it more often than other foods I suppose.

  9. It sure stopped me lol. And the sad thing is I never got to try scallops and I always wanted to. Now I just don't look at the word on the menu the same and I'm sure I'll never order them hahaha.