Saturday, August 20, 2011

Decisions, Decisions, Decisions - My 7 Month Update

We all make decisions all day long, every day and they all affect our life in some way - even if it's only a small way. While most don't have a significant impact, others can. Our choice of clothes, food and such all affect us. Some decisions we make without even realizing we make them, like taking the same path to work we always take. You don't think about it but, you made the decision to drive that way even though you know how traffic will be, etc.

Some decisions are easy, like the ones mentioned above, while others require more thought. What if you currently make 10K a month and get a job offer for 9500 plus a guaranteed promotion in 6 months. That decision would require a lot of thought. You wouldn't want to make it without thinking it through, asking questions and maybe consulting a friend or confidant.

I've been avoiding making any kind of decision about how long my stay in India will be for quite some time. I have done my best to remain as objective as possible while waiting for the culture shock to get better and for my body and mind to adjust to India as much as possible. I've talked extensively to my hubby and I've left the remainder of my family out of the loop completely. Their emotional state diminishes any chance they would have of helping me make objective decisions. Plus, they have no idea what I'm going through and I doubt they would understand since they've never been through such an experience.

I again have been very sick this week and I no longer have the capacity to hold off on a decision about whether or not to stay here. This was by far the worst episode I've had since I've been here and I don't know if it's the sickness or the medicine but my liver is back acting up again. I can't say it doesn't scare the life out of me either. Last night I was in so much pain that even double the amount of a standard American dose of codeine didn't take the pain away. The doctor  gave me two additional doses of other medicines and they were enough to help me get some much needed sleep, but the pain did not completely subside. At one point the pain was so bad that when I breathed in air I could feel it and it did not feel like it was going into my lungs at all. I was having trouble breathing at that point and I couldn't inhale through my nose at all. My face was numb and my body was randomly spasmodic from the pain.

I asked to be taken to the hospital and hubby said yes but I think that was just to appease me till I fell asleep. I know I asked more out of fear because in reality, the hospital here wouldn't do much for me. More meds would be given and maybe they would take an ultrasound. I know I had a nasty virus (it's going around) and I know what was wrong. I only wanted the comfort that I felt a hospital would provide. Either way, going to the hospital just doesn't seem to happen in this country. I don't like that aspect at all.

Anyway, I'm done trying. I know for a fact I don't want to live this way. Winter is coming and last winter I had some extreme difficulties living here. I've been sick this entire 7 months (minus about 2 weeks total of completely good days). I hurt all the time and, even though I avoid it as much as possible, I'm taking more pills, painkillers and medicine here than I've taken total in my whole life in the US. In the US I took less than 10 painkillers a year and 7-8 of those were advil/tylenol depending on the pain. Here I take that many easily in a 2 week time frame. (And in the US, in my whole life, I took Loritab twice and the last time I had anything anywhere close to that was after surgery when they gave me codeine in 2007. I almost never needed anything strong.)

That doesn't count the cold medicines, stomach medicines and anti-infection medicines I have to take on a fairly regular basis. I really feel like it's too many pills but most days I wouldn't get by without them. As it is, with the pills I can't even keep up with the housework in just my one little room. I haven't put away laundry in about 3 weeks. It's piled on top of the washing machine until hubby gets tired of looking at it and shoves it in the cabinet.

This is no way to live. It has barely slowed in the 7 months since I've been here and shows no signs of getting much better. Now that the weather is starting to change I can't count on the fact that I will get better either. I'm taking Vitamin C and some liver support vitamins and though I can see some differences, I'm not really getting better. After the pain last night I know for sure I can't deal with this anymore. So hubby and I have talked about it and we will be filing for a visa for him very soon. We are working on plans to go and live in the US.

I've been saving money all along so we could go visit, etc and but the things we wanted. I don't have to explain that lol, everyone understands savings. I will continue to work as we go through this process and save even more money. His parents are giving us money as well to help us start a life there. (I've never had that kind of family support so this is a Godsend!). I will be applying for jobs, etc. I'm going to do my best to experience all the festivals coming up between now and when we leave so I can have the memories to take back with me.

I'm still going to make the most of India and I'm sure I don't hate this country or anyone/thing here. My body just simply can't handle the organisms, germs and bacteria here that I didn't grow up with. There are some things here I blame for complicating the situation and robbing me of the chance of experiencing all that India has to offer, but blaming doesn't change the facts or help me feel less defeated. I'm still thankful for the experiences and the knowledge I have gained while being here. India is a huge part of my life and I know there are things here I will miss. I'm already getting nostalgic. (It's funny, but I'm going to miss the cow that was in my previous post...he has become an integral part of my trips out shopping lol.)

For the next few months I'm going to be taking massive amounts of photos and videos and trying to see and do all I can manage to do. Before I come here there were things I wanted to see. Like, you can't come to India and not visit the Taj Mahal. I went there, but there are other places that are still on my list and I don't want to miss them. I know I will come back later for visits, but visit's aren't really the time to go spend somewhere else, visits are for family time. So I'm going to squeeze in what I can. I'm sure I'll have some fabulous posts about my trips and then the visa, then the reintegration into American living and hubby's adjusting to life in the US.

I'll be blogging through it all. I still have a lot to say and I love to write so you guys will not get lost in the shuffle.

14 comments:

  1. Even Indians in one part of India cannot stand the water from other part...enjoy your time in India...waiting for your trip posts...

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  2. Thanks! Really supportive words. It helps make me feel like I'm not just giving in. I worked hard towards adjusting to life here, it's just not working.

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  3. I shall read the post right after this comment, one thing has been bothering me for a long time but I thought may be I should avoid...My OCD doesn't let me control further so here I go, the facebook platform icon on your blog...do you actually intend to promote facebook or your page on facebook? If you intend to promote facebook platform, then you can ignore this comment, however if you intend to promote your page on facebook, then I don't think that's what is happening here....

    In short, if you have a facebook page, and you want to display the icon of that page, that isn't happening....I hope am making sense....

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  4. Hmm....then it would seem that (as usual) Facebook is messing up on me lol. It's supposed to link to my facebook page. I shall have to see why it's not working. Thanks for pointing that out.

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  5. ah! this was a rather sad post :( I can understand how you feel more so because I take painkillers at least once a month for the usual girrly days! That is indeed a horror for me and you taking so many pills, I can imagine how hard you must be suffering. Women are usually better at handling pain and if you have written such a long post, there got to be something seriously wrong. Noone would like to live an unhealthy life...I would have not understood your situation had I not been in London. Here, I do not even see any mosquitos, roaches or lizzards in the house, back in India we live with them, may not be everywhere but its easy to spot one. Many of my friends who have settled in USA complain about their kids faling sick when they travel to see the parents. 

    I hope, you feel better and good to know family is supportive. Hope you enjoy while you are in the country. 

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  6. Thanks hun! It would definitely be hard for anyone to understand who had never spent a long period of time in another country. Maybe that's part of my problem. In the US I kept everything sanitary, never saw bugs, rats, lizards, etc and here they are everywhere all the time and the dirt doesn't come off the walls - even with bleach lol. I have been suffering a while, mostly in silence because I really was just trying to adjust to everything. But I think now I've definitely had my limit of this horror. When I'm wanting to go to the hospital to get a break, even I can realize it's gotten pretty bad lol.

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  7. My heart is SO immensely happy for you. I'll still read you. xoxo

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  8. Thank you! I'm a little excited, a little sad all at the same time. Life's like that though.

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  9. Hey hun, wow it really sounds like your body does need a break! You have a lot of courage to put up with it for so long, and to maintain a generous mind towards India in the meantime. Looking forward to reading your adventure posts :)

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  10. adjusting to climatic changes can be difficult and when you have to take pills for something, its doing you no good.its better to avoid.good decision

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  11. Thank you! I know it's not really India's fault. It's just one of those things that happens. I'm sure I'm not the first person who wasn't able to live here (or the first person not able to live in some other country they weren't used to either). I just wish it had all worked out better.

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