Wednesday, April 27, 2011

Bee You! Buzz!!!

I've been playing catch up on all the blogs I follow and for the last couple of months there has been a lot of buzz on maintaining and losing your identity to your partners culture. So many of these women can provide valuable insight into the things we do without realizing it and the things we do out of the blindness of love. I want to add my 2 cents, but from a different perspective.

I've mentioned, very casually and rarely, that I was in a serious relationship before. My ex slowly and systematically stripped me of everything that I was. I was young and stupid and thought things like 'Oh, how cute..he wants me to ditch my friends and spend time with him!' That was while we were dating. I was sure he was smitten. Then the bliss period started wearing off and things became more like 'he's right, I don't need friends like that...they will only undermine my faith in my relationship' and I wouldn't go out with them. Soon they stopped asking. That continued to progress to a point where I had no one to call, no one to visit, and had almost become completely isolate from anyone but him. I no longer recognized myself but struggled daily with the depression caused by trying to change myself. It wasn't just my friends and family he took away, he took away my religion, my zest for life, even my personality.

Thank God he choked me back into reality. I didn't see it that way then but now I know this was a blessing. That's all it took for the real me to wake back up, systematically kick his butt out of my life and mind and go back to being the unique individual I knew was not all that bad. See, no matter what people do to us, you can never really get rid of who you are. Even if you choose to, the real you is still there. You can't get rid of her. She's like that gray hair you tried to pluck that came back as 2!

So I want to encourage all of you, no matter what kind of relationship you are in - same culture - different culture, same race - different race, long distance - in the same room....remain true to yourself. It can't be said enough that your mate chose you FOR YOU! They weren't interested in a woman just like every one they were used to just in a different skin. They wanted you. They liked your personality just the way you were. So keep it, embrace it, maintain it - with some minor tweaking. We can all improve ourselves, just don't try to reinvent yourself as someone you think your partner would approve of more. He already approves of you.

Yes, you get on his nerves sometimes - embrace that too! If you didn't get on his nerves then how would you ever have make up ***....you get the idea. Of course, if you do something that genuinely disrespects or hurts him because in his culture that's how he learned it then there is nothing wrong with coming to a MUTUAL agreement about how issues like that should be addressed so no one gets hurt. Just always make sure both sides are respected and represented. I can guarantee you he will not genuinely love you, respect you, or even like you if you completely change who you are to try to be just like him, his culture, etc. He will lose respect for you because you're just not YOU anymore. It may take a long time, but it will happen. Ppl just don't seem to ever respect a wannabe, and I don't blame them. So just Beeeee Yourself!

3 comments:

  1. Amen to that sister! This is so true, I was not married but I did the samething you did I tried to change for someone and in the end it didn't work out! I had to be me no one else.

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  2. Thanks for sharing sweetness!
    Too true, too true!
    xo

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  3. I read a couple of those posts, challenging the concept of "I'm more Desi, than Thou" or "I'm more this, than Thou". A debate of whether women who are in intercultural marriage try too hard to embrace the new culture or don't try hard enough.

    For me, I think that you can embrace your spouse's culture as much as you can as long as you;re happy doing it and that it benefits you in most ways. I don;t agree with women embracing the spouse's culture just to please the husbands, to be proud of them and gain his acceptance. You're right, the fact the your man married you means he already accepted you.

    Here's a wonderful quote:

    "Women marry their man with the hope that they'll change. But men marry their women with the hope that she'll never change."

    offbeat marriage

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