Friday, September 24, 2010

Prepping for India phase 2

I'm now officially homeless. I'm sleeping for a few nights at a friends house. I've spent 2 nights on an old bunkie board mattress on the floor. It's the most uncomfortable thing I've ever slept on. I saved it because the kids didn't need it or like it and I knew I could throw it away when I'm done.

This has given me new enlightenment. I have known hardship before. Being without things and not having nice things is nothing new. I don't mind hardship, but it does take some getting used to. I think even though this sucks that it will help me in the long run. I need to relearn to live in various kinds of conditions and especially with other people who lead a different lifestyle than me. I'm learning to coexist with someone other than my parents.

My family is starting to realize how shitty they have made things for me. I needed help but their vacations and extracurricular activities were more important to them. Maybe they didn't take me seriously. I don't know about that but I know they are starting to feel affected by knowing what I'm going through now. I think my dad feels somewhat guilty that he couldn't manage to share a little space in his 4 bedroom house where he lives alone. My mom is pissed because she doesn't live close enough for me to be able to keep my job and stay with her. I will go stay with her once I quit my job soon though because it's necessary.

Some of my family members are crawling out of the woodwork to voice their opinion and some of them are just keeping their mouths shut as usual. I have one cousin I was so close to in childhood. She's only managed to speak to me twice in the last 10 years, but she had something to say when she found out I was moving to India. This is the same cousin who just 3 months ago I asked to please help me because there was no food left in the house and I couldn't pay the power bill and she didn't even bother to respond. These ppl don't leave me facebook comments, forward stupid emails or send me sms let alone call. This has been ongoing for 17 years so I really don't want to hear anything they have to say, especially if it's negative. They don't even know me anymore.

Much to my surprise, my normally supportive or complacent/passive father has also spoken out against my move to India. He gave me the money to go to India to get engaged and now he's telling me he thought I would have gotten this relationship out of my system by now. He's telling me to find someone else and move on as if I should just give up. He should know I'm stubborn and I've never been a quitter. And he's the asshole that told me I could sleep in the back of my truck when I told him I would be homeless. WTF. I definitely no longer value his opinion. He wouldn't even let me store two boxes of stuff at his house.

No one else in the family even acknowledges I exist right now. They don't call, write, sms, facebook or anything. They've always been that way...at least since a few years after my marriage. I feel so abandoned. I have for a long time. I needed them to help me out of the abusive relationship I was in before. They were never there, and now they don't seem to care as well.

My internet is kind of limited right now and may be sporadic. I will be on to update as I can. This journey is far from over.

2 comments:

  1. ((big hugs))
    I got to a point where I had to decide to delete family members from my facebook account. I hope you have done that by now. You don't need these horrible people anywhere in your landscape of life. They shouldn't have the right to peek into your life, really just to judge you. I want no one like that in my life. It took me 33 years to get to that point. You seem like such a strong person. You WILL come out on top!!!

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  2. Thank you dest! You are right, we don't need people that bring us down in our lives.

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