Monday, August 23, 2010

A Whole New Life

No matter who you are, no matter where you are followed by the past. It shapes your future. It can make you, or break you. My past has done both. In my last 17 years I have been stripped of everything I knew, understood and had. Now that loss is allowing me to start a whole new future. I will carry it with me always in the things it has taught me, but I will not let it hold me back. My past was very hard but it has made me the determined fighter I now am. I don't stay down and I will continue to move forward.

This week as part of my Hindu studies I will be systematically writing down everything that has negatively affected me in the past and everything that I can recall ever doing wrong. At the suggestion of the Himalayan Academy study I am using I will then proceed to burn all of it. I had been collecting all of this to write a book someday, but now I think I need to do this so that I can completely let go of all the pain I still carry and start my new life and my new marriage fresh. The past can't bind me. I don't want my lover to look into my eyes and see pain. It is my duty to give him joy by showing him the happiness in my heart. I can't do that when I am still often consumed in the pains of the past and the present.

Thankfully I started writing all of this a while ago. I'm going to take my time and make sure I have everything written down in some fashion. Then just before I leave for India I will burn it. I'm looking forward to it actually. I've tried therapy to let all of this go and that has helped but not been completely successful. With God's blessing and me preparing for this mentally, I am sure it will work. I just wish the past would stop haunting me sooner. It will be good to get all the heaviness out of my heart and mind.

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