Monday, August 30, 2010

Good and Bad...Mixed with Hindu Studies week 3

Things are not really going so well this week and what kind of blogger would I be if I didn't write about both. I have a lot of baggage that I'm trying to let go of and this week has been kind of ...ok fine... it's been a lot of emotional. I'm trying to write down anything I have left that troubles me and everything I've ever done wrong that I can remember so I can burn them as a way of cleansing my mind and soul for this marriage and move. It's stirred up a lot of emotions and may not have been the best suggestion to follow while you're going through all I'm going through. In ways I feel it has helped, but in ways it has not.

I'm now once again scared to sleep in my house at night. I'm home alone...completely alone.... and every noise startles me and I have this anxious fear that someone is going to come in here and get me. It's not all nerves though. The other day there was some strange man in the yard walking right up against my house talking on his cell phone like he lived here. My lawn mower was stolen sometime in the last couple of days. My car was broken into here a couple of months back. And the last time I was alone I heard footsteps in the room above me for more than 10 minutes. Now, when I wasn't alone I have heard kitchen doors close (and I was not the only one in the house that heard it) and more. However the last time I was here alone I was okay without all that drama. So this makes this seem even more real.

I'm also having problems with trust and clinginess again. I don't trust easily though and Mera Pyar didn't bother to tell me he had developed some kind of friendship with some American woman he met on faceboook and it had gotten to the point he was spending his Rupees to call her on the phone international. I found out when she left him a status msg telling him to call she wanted to talk to him. This really pisses me off. It was all about a job but me and him argued so many times about how he gets pissed if my voicemail picks up and he has to spend his Rupees calling me. Had he told me I may not have been so untrusting of the situation or as pissed. But still...here I am...pissed off over it big time.

All that aside, I feel like Mera Pyar isn't showing me much empathy or compassion. Earlier this year when we were trying to get him a visa he was telling me how he was sure he would cry here many times over missing his family and he was sure he was gonna wanna go back home but it was my job to comfort him. I was okay with that. Now that it's my turn and I'm sad, he can't seem to stand for it. I feel like he's being so hard on me. Telling me how I'm going to have to be more like Indian wives and how the honor of the house is all in my hands. As if he didn't know me. I don't drink/smoke/drugs/party or any of that. I cook/clean and all that crap. But now it's like he's telling me I have to shape up big time and how I'm going to have to let him live the Indian lifestyle he wants while I'm at home waiting for him. I will be damned. I've told him too many times I will never be an Indian wife, it's not even possible. I wasn't groomed for it all this time. I'm me and he needs to love me like that...like he used to.

I know these problems are not all mine. This is just one of those times where I'm ready to wring the culture right out of his neck. Fuck culture. What the hell happened to me and him? He sure seems to be shoveling a whole lot of 'you're gonna have to do this and do that and be this way' at me right now.

He says I've changed. He is right, this I know. Working that stupid ass job getting cussed out and berated every day by customers and then belittled by my supervisor and the stress of some other things at work have run my fuse a little short. I know I get pissed when he talks over me and doesn't listen to anything I've said, I'm even getting pissy with the customers too nowadays. When it comes to the customers I don't give a rats ass if it pisses them off either. But when it comes to my baby I just want to talk to him and try to work things out, I have to be given the chance to talk to do that.

I'm rambling now. I guess I should close.

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