Sunday, May 24, 2015
Relationships take work to maintain. They're an investment in your life and your future. You wouldn't waste money investing in a failing business so why continue wasting time and energy in a relationship that won't benefit you in the future?
Intercultural relationships, especially those with Indian men, have some unique red flags that you must be on the watch for. These are signs of a relationship that won't work out long term.
1. They're rude or disrespectful to your family. Either to their face or behind their back, both are equally as detrimental. Everyone finds some sort of issues with their in-laws at some point and it's fine to vent - respectfully. If he starts making statements to indicate that your family are beneath him somehow (socially, financially, etc.) then he won't respect you for long either. Your family raised you and he simply can't love and respect you if he thinks your family is sub-par.
2. Calling other people internationally when he won't call you. It doesn't matter the reason for the call in most instances. If he's calling for a job, calling to family, etc. it's just as bad. If he feels like they are worth spending his rupees on but you are not then you are simply not the priority in his life that you should be if you're going to have a lasting relationship. The only exceptions are if your relationship is too new for you to command that kind of value or if it's an emergency situation he's calling for. Otherwise, break up now because he's not the love of your life.
3. He doesn't make time for you. This is especially true if you know he makes time for other non-family people. If a man is infatuated with you or truly cares for you, making time for you will be a priority. This is especially true in Indian society where family and relationships are always a top priority. If he goes out with his friends more than once before he makes time to see you again, he's just not as into you as he may be saying he is. You're not a priority so proceed with caution.
4. You have to convince yourself the relationship will work. Trust your instincts. If you repeatedly find yourself wondering why you stay and then having to hunt for reasons you believe you have a future together then it's likely you just aren't as compatible as you want to be. Love is not enough to make a relationship work long term. If you find more faults with him than values, then it's time to move on.
5. He doesn't give as much to the relationship as you do. You have to be equals and he can't pretend that he makes less money, can't do things because they're hard. There is always a way - if he has the will. I'm not saying he should be splitting all the bills equally with you. What I'm saying is that he should be putting as much effort, time and resources into the relationship as you do. There is no excuse for why he can't send you a card, a letter, an email, text messages every morning, etc. Not all support has to be financial. What is he doing for you? Is it as much as you're doing for him? If not, this could lead to long-lasting problems that even therapy may not fix.
6. He still maintains accounts looking for other girls. If he's so into you, why is his Tinder/Meet-Up/etc. accounts still open and active? Why does he have so much time to keep up with them and log in regularly when you're the one for him? Of course it's unreasonable to expect him to shut it down the day you meet but once he starts indicating he's serious about you, he should deactivate them or at the very least stop logging in. You should have any reason to feel like he may be messaging other girls are looking for other girls. You can't start out a long-term relationship with no trust and that's something he needs to earn by letting go of other 'options.'
7. He's not willing to fight for you. Unfortunately, sometimes Indian men have to fight with their parents to have a love marriage -whether she's Indian or not. You will know early on if your boyfriend is ready to stand up to his parents and request to marry you. Don't ignore it if he indicates he does not have the strength to. Ultimately if he can't hold his ground, you will be hopelessly in love while he endures an arranged marriage to an unsuspecting Indian woman whom he will fulfill his obligations to all while you're left to suffer with no closure. Be exceptionally wary of statements indicating he's not going to tell his parents when you're ready for the relationship to move forward.
8. He's too pushy with sex. Indian men are not as free sexually as many western countries (before marriage). I he seems overly focused on having sex, and you can't get him to discuss the relationship beyond the dating scene, then you're most likely the victim of an ignorant man who thinks white women are to be used before marriage to satisfy his needs but not the marrying type. Your sex life should be mutually agreeable, just be careful you don't mistake sex for love or a real relationship.
What other reasons would you suggest are good reason's to break up?
Have you had a bad experience with an Indian man? Please tell us your observations in the comments.